Editor's note: Each week in "Apparently This Matters," CNN's Jarrett Bellini applies his warped sensibilities to trending topics in social media and random items of interest on the interwebs.
(CNN) -- I have absolutely no business reviewing
restaurants. Consider the facts: I like Ramen noodles. I burn my meat.
And I'm pretty sure a Klondike Bar is the pinnacle of modern cuisine.
I've also heard good things about Applebee's.
But when it comes to
restaurant feedback, someone like me can just go online and write
literally anything. And people might actually read it.
"Apparently This Matters" Is Jarrett Bellini's weekly (and somewhat random) look at social-media trends.
"Let's avoid that new Italian place, Diane. It says here the meatballs are made from baby seals."
Nevertheless, amateur
reviews on sites like Yelp do play an important role in the restaurant
industry, and there are plenty of well-intentioned people who actually
provide decent feedback.
"The meatballs are amazing! Definitely not made from baby seals."
Still, just being a prolific amateur reviewer doesn't qualify someone for special treatment when he or she goes out to eat.
Or does it?
Because now there's something called the
ReviewerCard. Essentially, it's a plastic membership ID that looks like a high-end AmEx. In the middle it states: I WRITE REVIEWS.
The idea is that you
flash it before a meal -- thus, informing the staff of your keen ability
to use the Internet -- at which point the manager will suddenly break
into a cold sweat and start nervously heaping you with extraordinary
service.
"Well, hello! I see you write reviews. Allow me to seat you in our special 'Gonorrhea-Free' section."
The card actually
started trending this week after several online publications picked up
on the company's lofty idea of passive-aggressive extortion, and most
took it to task. However, Brad Newman, founder of ReviewerCard, told the
Los Angeles Times, "It's not a threat. It's a way to get the service
you deserve."
As for the rest of you proletariat filth, enjoy your chicken fingers in Clap Town!
Of course, deserving
good service means the ReviewerCard isn't for everyone, and the website
explicitly states that they screen applicants for past online activity:
"If you are a casual reviewer and only post once in a while, this card
is not appropriate for you."
Unless, you happen to
have a hundred bucks. In which case, I'm guessing they'll quietly
overlook the fact that your one and only entry on Yelp was about Taco
Bell, and you described it as "Epic."
Which it is.
The point: ReviewerCard isn't free. In fact, it's downright pricey. And that's why you have to laugh.
Bottom line, Brad Newman
is an opportunist who seems to have found a mildly clever way to get
stupid people to give him money. Which is completely fair. If you really
want to shell out a hundred dollars for a smug piece of plastic that
will likely get you dirty looks and a fresh bowl of snot soup long
before a complimentary slice of pecan pie, I say go for it. Operators
are standing by.
Well, Brad is, anyway.
Not everyone has been quite as forgiving of this whole ridiculous concept. The ReviewerCard definitely is taking some heat.
But much of what's been
said online about Newman's idea seems like nothing more than feigned
outrage. Because, let's face it, people love to be offended, and nobody
with a shred of intelligence actually thinks this is serious.
Fortunately, I might
just have that shred of intelligence. But only a small shred. And I
mostly use it for remembering my own name.
So, I'm fine with the
ReviewerCard. There's plenty of other things in the world to worry
about. Besides, Newman has only sold a little more than 100
ReviewerCards -- likely to the
same 100 people who, at this very moment, are constructing another strongly-worded online review from their mom's basement.
"Worst. Meatballs. Ever."
